The ‘Play, Instruct, Befriend’ approach to parenting

SINGAPORE – What to do when my 17-year-old teenager doesn’t listen to me any more?

I’m regularly asked these types of questions by friends or acquaintances I meet. It seems that writing a parenting column for a newspaper attracts such questions.

When this happens, I often think about Imam Ali ibn Abi Talib, the cousin and son-in-law of Islamic Prophet Muhammad.

From what I understand, as a close companion of the Prophet, he is a source of practical wisdom on life, character and raising children.

While I’m not Muslim, I have found Imam Ali’s wisdom on parenting to be instructive.

He is said to have espoused the concept of raising children in three seven-year phases. Whether or not the attribution can be definitively verified, the framework is in sync with modern parenting research today.

The first seven years is when parents play with their kids. The second seven-year stretch is when parents endeavour to instruct them on good foundational values. The final seven years is when parents focus on developing a friendship with the kids in order to guide them.

When my wife and I were raising our kids, we had not heard of Imam Ali’s model of parenting. But in many ways, his three-phase Play-Instruct-Befriend approach to parenting aligns closely with how we have raised our own two boys.

When kids are cute, young and cuddly, it is not difficult to think of playing with them. At this stage, all the child wants is time and attention.

This is also the most important phase because it builds the foundation of the parent-child relationship.

When my boys were this age, my wife would spend hours reading to them and cuddling them. She would wrestle with the boys and play catching or hide-and-seek with them around the home.

During this time, children are developing fine motor skills, and they need time outdoors to run, play and activate their imagination.

For our two boys, we made sure that they had at least an hour of outdoor play every day. At 5pm each day, we would kick them out of the home and tell them to go and occupy themselves outdoors, and they would return home for dinner only after 6pm.

It makes me wonder whether the rise of the “anxious generation” is partly because children are growing up indoors spending much of their precious childhood engrossed in digital screens instead of outdoor play.

I often see young children in restaurants and foodcourts entertained with devices as parents have their meals, while also fixated on their own devices.

Our kids were not allowed any devices during this Play phase. They were given 30 minutes of screen time for educational videos each day, more as a necessity, because my wife had to shower or do chores around the home.

This period was a stressful time at work for me and I travelled a lot. I was mostly absent, and my wife was the primary caregiver to the kids, with help from my mum and the in-laws.

If Phase 1 is about connection, the next phase is about instruction.

This is when children start to make sense of the world, and move into more structured learning and rule-based thinking

According to Jean Piaget, the Swiss psychologist well-known for his work on child development, children at this age are ready for education, boundaries and habit formation. This is because they are developing their reasoning, discipline and moral awareness.

As parents, it is a time to show warmth to the children, but with clear expectations on what they are responsible for.

This period corresponds to when our boys entered primary school. It was when we started them on household chores like washing dishes, hanging up the laundry and cleaning up around the home.

As we did not have a live-in helper, it was not difficult to come up with chores for the boys to help with.

When the boys pushed back, we remained firm that everyone in the family had responsibilities. We pointed out to them that Pa and Ma were also doing chores, so they had no excuse not to do their part.

The Instruct phase was also when we enrolled our boys into various sports to help them get used to regular training. Through their respective sports of fencing and tennis, they learnt sportsmanship and self-discipline.

I started doing weekly workouts with the boys. On Sundays, we would run around a jogging track near home and finish with some calisthenics at the neighbourhood exercise pit.

I was happy to have this special bonding time with my sons. Things had calmed down at work, and I could make a regular commitment to being there for them.

During this phase, the child who once followed instructions begins to question, rebel and push back (even more).

They are seeking independence, testing boundaries and looking increasingly to their peers instead of the parents on what choices to make.

As parents, we too need to shift our approach from authority to influence.

If parents continue to be authoritative enforcers, dictating what their kids do, they risk negatively influencing how their kids seek autonomy, identity and peer validation.

It is like trying to help a butterfly out of its chrysalis out of kindness. The struggle is what strengthens the butterfly’s wings. Cutting it open and easing its struggle causes the butterfly to emerge weak and unable to fly.

Frustrating as it was, we often swallowed our views about decisions our sons made, choosing instead for the boys to approach us for views before we shared them.

As an example, one of our sons was dating a girl whom we felt was incompatible with him.

Rather than tell him to his face, we kept our opinion to ourselves because we thought that if we expressed our displeasure openly, it might push him towards her.

We shared our views about the girl only years after they broke up. When we asked him about our approach, he felt that if we had shared those negative views then, he might have been spurred to persist longer than he should have in a difficult relationship.

Scuba diving became a powerful activity for us during this phase. It was a shared activity we all enjoyed, and it turned family holidays into something more than just time away.

Because the boys were certified early in their teens, we were able to set aside the usual parent-child dynamic and simply be dive buddies during such trips.

Underwater, our roles shifted. The kids made decisions on where to explore, how deep to go and took responsibility, not just for themselves, but also for us.

We checked one another’s gear, watched out for one another. In those moments, trust went both ways and confidence was built.

Looking back, it reflected what modern adolescent psychology tells us: Influence is strongest when it is built on autonomy, shared experience and open communication.

Imam Ali is quoted as saying: “Do not raise your children the way your parents raised you, for they were created for a time which is different from yours.” I find it amazing how contemporary his advice is today, more than 1,000 years later.

Our family is not perfect, neither are our kids. But by and large, the Play-Instruct-Befriend approach has worked for us.

We share it not as a formula, but as a guide, one that we hope might be helpful as you navigate your own parenting journey.